Trusting God With My Child
Updated: Oct 22, 2019
Do you trust God with your children? No, I mean really? Mama, what I am about to share is my heart laid open for you to see. Why would I do that? Because, I believe with all my heart I am not the only one who has ever had to lay all my fears, expectations, and disappointments down at the altar of our creator. I am definitely not the only mama who has ever had to walk through deep dark valleys where I felt blind and alone. If I share this and it helps only one mama, then that is enough for me. Even if the only mama it helps is me, that is enough. So, here we go....
As I have shared before on this blog our youngest son has a life threatening medical condition called Adrenal Insufficiency. It requires medications daily, and for us to carry an emergency injection in case of adrenal crisis. We adopted him at the age of almost 4 in the full belief and understanding that God would provide the doctors, medicines, and insight needed to care for him. And God did this every step of the way! We hit a really rough spot where he developed severe GI issues that resulted in multiple ER visits and hospital stays. We were tired but in no way did we waiver in our faith. The biggest scare was an early morning (3am) when I heard him coughing. I went in and found him covered in vomit and non responsive. I called an ambulance while my husband administered the emergency injection. The paramedics arrived quickly, and soon we were on our way to the hospital. As they were trying get a response from him, I sat there in complete calm. My hand was on his head as they placed oxygen in his nose, and I prayed without ceasing as he was poked and prodded with no avail. I called out to God that my child belonged to him and him alone. I told my creator that I was terrified, but that I would put him at Jesus's feet if that is what was required of me. Upon arrival at the ER, an on call endocrinologist, nurses, and a pediatrician were waiting for us. They quickly got his IV in and added even more emergency meds to his IV. This was the highest dose he had ever received, but it worked! Within a few hours, he was sitting up, stable, and ready to be released. Once again, God provided! Eventually, after months of GI issues he was hospitalized for a GI clean out and we have been able to maintain his health since then! So that all sounds stressful, but also hopeful right!?!
"When I am afraid I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3
Well, let's fast forward almost two years. Life was hectic, but full and happy. We were busy homeschooling all three of our kids and running SCCA. In the Fall, I was able to go on a special trip with my daughter and our friends in celebration of her sweet 16. It was a special time of rest and celebration for her! It was also a time of respite for me. We had been home from this trip about a month, when she had an episode in class at SCCA. She came and found me and was at the point of collapse. I caught her as she was falling over. We had a few mild episodes like this before so we were assuming low blood sugar. She is very tall for her age and was in a time of growth. She was able to eat, but did not get much better and she appeared to be having some neurological problem so we called an ambulance. The ER staff felt like it was probably low blood sugar and at this point, we are doing ok. I mean low blood sugar is manageable right? Surely, this was a fluke! Something to do with a growth spurt maybe! However, it just kept getting worse. She continued to spiral downward and we continued to get no answers. Her bloodwork was always good, and no one could explain why my healthy 16 year old could no longer get out of bed, why she was in pain every single day, or why she could not have a normal conversation without getting confused. As each specialist was unable to help us and she continued to get worse I slowly began to lose my trust in God. As my trust in him faded, the longer and more dark the valley felt. The more I isolated myself, and became angry. Bitterness and anger took root where trust had been. The enemy whispered lies of:
"If God really loved you he would not have given you two sicks kids."
"You can't trust God."
"It's not fair."
"Why does God give me so much more pain than other people."
"If God loved me he would answer my prayers."
"We don't deserve this."
These are all lies mama! If these ideas are creeping into your thoughts they are NOT from GOD!
As bitterness and anger progressed my mind became wholly wrapped around the pain that I endured everyday rather than hope or trust in God. My strength was replaced with weakness and believing that if I could just do the next thing I would be ok. I kept doing the next thing until I couldn't anymore. A wall went up and suddenly I was no longer able to function. My mind was jumbled and I could not recall simple things or even make sense of what was happening around me. God put up a roadblock and a detour sign, because I was racing down a path that was far from him. He loves me too much to let that happen! From the outside everything looked fine, but inside my house I was unable to function, our daughter was sick, and we still had the day to day struggles of being a special needs family. This went on for a long time....I got better at shutting people out and hiding. I got better and keeping God at arms length. And Satan got better and whispering lies into my ear.....
The turning point for me was a Bible study on Psalm 23. The very first verse of that study wrecked me! "The Lord is my shepherd, I have all that I need." How could this be true? I didn't feel like I had all that I needed! I felt tired and frustrated all the time! I wanted to lash out and be angry at everyone, but as those words sunk deep into my soul I realized at every turn HE made sure I had all I needed:
At every crisis, we were given a strong calm mind to get through the issue and the ability to make clear decisions.
When each crisis was over, you taught me to let myself cry out to you with my whole heart so that I could heal from the trauma.
When I could not think of anything outside of meds and care of our kids, we had meals and food gift cards delivered.
When no one would listen, I was given the strength to push through and keep fighting.
When I was sobbing in Kroger trying to figure out how to pay for all the gluten free food and still feed the rest of my family, God put his presence over me. He calmed me and helped me to get through my task.
We were given praying friends who did not give up as we walked this journey with us.
When a friend kept mentioning an alternative medicine doctor, and the Lord finally opening my heart to it.
It didn't feel like it was from God because I had distanced myself so much from Him. Mamas, it is from him though! He wants to give you his green pastures! His perfect rest can only come through obedience to him, and obedience must come from truly trusting God. You cannot walk through your dark valleys in peace if you do not trust the one leading you:
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4
For now, our daughter is stable and getting better all the time. We still have more specialist to see, one today in fact. We still do not have concrete answers, but the Lord paved a path so that we could see a doctor who treats with supplements and balancers. I'm not saying you should abandon your doctors and go alternative, but I am saying this has certainly helped us. Her symptoms are better all the time, and we will continue to walk the path God puts in front of us.
So today, if this is you mama walking through a dark valley. Please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Please, just stop and pray. When you are worried stop and pray. When you are afraid stop and pray. When you are joyful stop and pray. Surrender yourself to God and trust that the creator of the universe only wants to give you love and peace. He wants to lead you out of those dark valleys so that you can experience his green pastures.
Lord Today thank you for allowing me to be a mother. Lord remind me everyday that each one of my children is perfectly made and belong first and foremost to you! Help me to parent with love and compassion so that they can learn what a merciful God you are. Help me to point their path always to you so that they know you are always with them. Help me to teach them your commandments so that they can honor you with their life. Lord, help me to be merciful and forgiving when they mess up so that they will know they can run to you in times of trouble. In Jesus Name, Amen